Articles, posts and comments on this site are strictly the views of their authors, perhaps not even them, and do not necessarily reflect the views of this website, its publisher, its designer, or the company that supplied the electrons.
Communications from this website may be confidential, and are for the intended recipient(s) only. Should you receive a communication in error, you are obliged to immediately erase all electronic copies, and to drink sufficient quantities of any beverage that will cloud your memory such that no more than 20% of the original message can be repeated verbatim, and such that relating the gist of the message to a reasonable stranger results only in a) a confused shrug, b) an awkward examination of the time on his or her watch, or c) feigned lack of familiarity with English.
Health care privacy laws prevent us from hearing about, or caring about, any ailments, maladies, syndromes, and acute or dire medical emergencies, and as such we ask that you refrain from discussing them with us in any form, whether oral, written or implied. Undeniable visual evidence of any medical condition, including substantial bleeding, flaky patches, or what looks like a third eye, must be accompanied by a form, signed and notarized, relieving us of any responsibility.
The privacy of your financial information is important to us. For that reason, you will never speak to the same representative of our institution twice, and for your security we require that you start the story from the beginning each time you contact us. By sharing your financial information with as many of our representatives (or our affiliates' representatives) as possible, we ensure that privacy is never a concern.
In order to provide you with the best in customer service, we ask that you enter your account number, password, PIN, mother's sexual preferences, thumbprint and a small sample of umbilical cord blood. That way, when each and every one of our series of representatives asks you precisely the same questions, you can be sure that your answers are well-rehearsed, making the system more efficient for everyone.
By reading, scanning, glimpsing or being exposed to this notice, you know, should know, or should have known its contents, meaning, and ramifications, and agree to all statements, opinions, exhortations, blasphemies, and sonnets that may be contained herein. Failure to do so represents a breach of contract, the peace, and the walls of Agincourt, and you are under fair notice that such breaches will not be tolerated, nor will they be not tolerated. Choose wisely.